Pastors are really good at carrying things. We carry the vision, the sermon, the budget shortfall, the board’s anxiety, the staff conflict, the struggling marriage in the third pew, and the member who is convinced the church will collapse if somebody moves the communion table six inches to the left.
Then we carry all of that home and wonder why we’re tired.
Some of that weight belongs to us. We accepted real responsibility when we answered the call to ministry. But some of it was handed to us by church members who had no intention of carrying it themselves. That’s where pastors get into trouble.
Pastoring People Isn’t the Same as Carrying Them
I’ve spent more than forty years working in churches. I’ve planted them, pastored them, helped turn them around, consulted with them, and watched more than a few pastors get chewed up by them. Most of those pastors worked too hard, cared too much, and took responsibility for things they couldn’t control. Then, when nothing changed, they blamed themselves.
Any of this sound familiar? A member’s marriage was falling apart, so the pastor worked harder on the marriage than the couple did. A ministry leader refused to recruit or train anyone, so the pastor quietly filled the gaps. A board wouldn’t make a decision, so the pastor accepted the responsibility without getting the authority. A church member was unhappy, so the pastor rearranged the calendar, rewrote the sermon, changed the plan, and apologized for something that wasn’t wrong.
That isn’t compassion. It’s over-functioning dressed up in church clothes. And churches are happy to reward it, at least for a while. The pastor who solves every problem becomes indispensable. The members learn to bring every problem to the pastor. The pastor feels needed, the church avoids growing up, and everybody calls it faithful ministry.
Until the pastor collapses.
Welcome to the Obligation Economy
Healthy ministry depends on people giving and receiving freely. Someone serves, and you receive the gift with gratitude. You lead, and the congregation receives your leadership without turning every decision into a personal debt. People contribute without buying influence. Pastors care for people without quietly expecting loyalty, praise, or cooperation in return.
There’s no ledger, no running score, and no invisible bill. That’s the goal.
But many churches operate in what Dr. Michael Semon calls an obligation economy. Every act comes with an unspoken receipt: “I’ve served on this committee for twelve years.” “My family has supported this church for generations.” “After everything I’ve done for these people …” “Do they have any idea how many hours I work?”
Nobody may say the quiet part out loud, but the ledger keeps running. Once ministry turns into a transaction, relationships begin to rot. Service becomes leverage. Leverage becomes resentment. Resentment becomes entitlement. Entitlement leaves emptiness behind. Stay there long enough, and emptiness becomes despair.
The pastor may still preach every Sunday. The lights are on, the bulletin gets printed, and the hospital visits get made. But nobody’s home inside the pastor anymore. That’s what makes this so dangerous. You can keep doing ministry long after ministry has quit giving you life.
The Member Who Hands You the Rope
Some of you may remember Edwin Friedman. In Friedman’s Fables, he told the story about a man crossing a bridge. The man was on his way toward something important when a stranger approached him carrying a rope and asked him to hold one end. It seemed harmless enough.
Then the stranger jumped off the bridge.
Suddenly, the man was holding the stranger’s life in his hands. The stranger refused to climb. He simply demanded that the man keep holding the rope. The man tried to reason with him and offered a way for the stranger to pull himself up, but the stranger refused. Instead, he repeated the accusation every pastor has heard in one form or another: “If you let go, what happens next is your fault.”
That’s a powerful threat. It sounds like, “If you don’t come every time I call, you don’t care.” Or, “If you make that change, people will leave.” Sometimes it’s, “If you stop doing this ministry for us, it will die,” “If you hold me accountable, I’ll quit,” or “If you preach that, my family won’t come back.”
And so the pastor grips the rope tighter. Weeks become months. Months become years. The pastor’s hands are bleeding, but letting go feels unchristian.
Here’s the question Friedman forces us to face: Who is responsible for whom?
The pastor has responsibilities. Real ones. You have to lead, teach, equip, correct, encourage, protect, and care for people. But you cannot repent for someone else. You cannot make a member mature. You cannot force a couple to repair their marriage. You cannot make a board courageous. And you cannot take responsibility for another adult’s choices without eventually damaging both of you.
At some point, the person holding the rope has to hand responsibility back to the person who owns it. That isn’t abandonment. That’s leadership.
Rope Burn Isn’t Proof of Faithfulness
Pastors too often wear exhaustion like a merit badge. We brag about sixty-hour weeks, joke about interrupted vacations, answer texts during dinner, and respond to emails after midnight. Then we wonder why our families resent the church and why we quietly resent the people we’re serving.
Rope burn isn’t proof that you love people. Sometimes it’s evidence that you’re holding something God never asked you to hold.
So ask yourself a few uncomfortable questions. Whose problem are you working harder to solve than they are? Whose reaction controls your decisions? What ministry survives only through your personal rescue attempts? What responsibility have you accepted without getting the authority to deal with it? Where are you keeping score?
And here’s the one that says the most: Do you need to be needed?
Pastors often build an identity around being the rescuer … the savior. We become the strong one, the dependable one, the one who always answers, fixes, covers, and saves the day. It feels noble. It may even look noble. But if people have to remain weak so you can feel useful, you aren’t making disciples. You’re creating dependents.
Your job isn’t to become indispensable to every member’s life. Your job is to help people become faithful followers of Jesus who can pray, discern, serve, lead, reconcile, and take responsibility without calling the pastor every time life gets messy.
Strong Pastors Build Strong Churches
Healthy ministry requires connection and individuality. You belong to the church. You love the people and share their joys and griefs. But you’re still a person. You have limits, convictions, a family, and a soul that needs more than sermon preparation and emergency prayer requests.
A pastor who gives away every boundary in the name of peace doesn’t strengthen the church. A weak pastor eventually produces a weak church. A strong pastor can love people without being controlled by them, listen without surrendering leadership, and care without rescuing. A strong pastor can say, “I’ll walk with you, but I won’t do your walking for you.”
That’s the kind of leadership many congregations say they want. It’s also the kind they often resist. Get over it. Leadership that never creates discomfort isn’t leadership. It’s customer service with a clergy collar.
Which Rope Will You Release?
This Thursday, July 23, 2026 at 10:00 AM Central, Dr. Michael Semon will join me for a free Catalytic Conversation built around these ideas. Michael will unpack the four ways people give and receive, show how obligation pulls pastors into a downward spiral, and use Friedman’s bridge story to help you identify the ropes controlling your ministry, your marriage, and your soul.
This won’t be another conversation about better time management. You don’t need a prettier calendar if everybody else owns your time. You have to know what belongs to you, what doesn’t, and how to release what was never yours without abandoning the people you’re called to serve.
You can register for the free Catalytic Conversation here:
https://effective.effectivechurch.com/webinar-registration
Michael will take this work much further during The Pastor’s Paradox, a live intensive on August 20. You can learn more about that event here:
https://go.effectivechurch.com/pastors-paradox-01
For now, start with one question: What rope are you holding that was never yours?
Name it. Then decide what faithfulness looks like when you finally free your hands.