As a pastor for 30 years, I have many sad stories about destructive church conflict. I don’t think anything makes Jesus cry more than when his people injure one another and others.
The really sad thing is that such conflict is the norm for so many churches. It is usually just a few people. But it can destroy a congregation’s vision and momentum. If you are a church person, I bet your experience has been similar.
The great news is that Jesus gives us practical instruction for how to deal with such matters. Church leaders just have to find the courage of faith to hold a faith community accountable.
Now, to be clear, conflict can be healthy and necessary. However, I personally shun the use of the term in that context. Conflict, to me, is a word that carries a lot of negative baggage. Tell me that you don’t have a visceral reaction just to the mention of the word.
Vision development and spiritual discernment require the wrestling of ideas and Scripture. You can call that conflict if you like. But the change happens when the conversation gets personal. That’s when conflict is destructive conflict.
Tweet This- Christians must lead the way in seeking civil discourse.
- Christians must seek reconciliation when tempers flair.
- Christians must look to Matthew 18 to address conflict and restore unity.
- Christians must hold one another accountable for appropriate behavior.
- Christians must develop resources to codify this road of life.
When our congregation went through a consultation process with 21st Century Strategies, one of the first things we were called to do was create a behavior covenant based on the one anothers of the Bible and Matthew 18. It was to be our contextual statement for how we would abide by the directives of God.
I honestly was a bit hesitant. We all know how Christians should act, even though we often don’t. And there is the rub. We know, but we don’t do it. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. We prefer to avoid conflict. We don’t want to take sides.
The reality is that most churches don’t hold one another accountable to the behavior expectations of God. When we developed our behavior covenant and had the congregation adopt it, the world changed. It wasn’t just the pastor’s idea. It wasn’t even just the leadership’s desire. This was our statement together. If it doesn’t fit for you, then you’re not a fit for this congregation. And that’s good. Find the congregation where you do fit.
Every church will have conflict. Humans tend to sin a lot. But the conflict will not stymie what God wants for you to experience. The biggest thing is that triangulation is squashed. No longer will it be tolerated that Tom is mad at Ed so that he goes to complain about Ed to Joe.
Bottom line: There is zero tolerance for destructive conflict. As per Matthew 18, Tom must chat privately with Ed – not to vent his anger and seek to inflict pain like he feels, but to pursue the ministry of reconciliation. No gossip. No intrigue. Follow these amazing and practical expectations from Jesus and your church world will miraculously change as well.
Learn How to Deal With Your Church’s Conflict
AND Grow Your Church!
On October 29, Bill Tenny-Brittian and I will be in Jefferson City, Missouri for a one-day gig that we’re calling The Great Commission Conference (catchy name, huh!). We’ll be covering some of the most pastor-requested topics and giving you some of our best tools that will inspire you so you can inspire and motivate your congregation to get out of their pews and into the disciple-making game again.
You’ll Learn
- How to SUCCESSFULLY invite people to “church”
- How to KEEP them coming back
- How to move the discipleship needle from empty to On Fire again!
- How to turn your members into Neighborhood Missionaries
We Know … Money’s Tight!
So instead of pricing this at a Per-Person fee, we’re charging Per-Congregation. You bring a team, we’ll do our part to inspire, equip, encourage, and motivate y’all to move your church into a disciple-momentum-making machine. (We kinda like the sound of that!) And at $150 per congregation, that’s about as great of a price as you can get.
Details
When: Saturday, October 29th, from 10 am to 2 pm CT. Registration deadline is October 24.
Where: Our Savior’s Lutheran Church, 1528 Southwest Blvd, in Jefferson City, Missouri.
During 40+ years I have always put the congregation on notice from the beginning – “There will be no time wasted by me or those who prove themselves worthy of spiritual leadership, in putting out the fires of conflict. Whoever starts it will be told to put it out. We have far more important duties to attend to – like making disciples. That usually sets the tone for a more effective and mature atmosphere where the only conflict is helpful and spurs the congregation on to greater work.
When the leadership fails to follow through, when they rely on old habits that are all about over-reacting to conflict, then those who enjoy injecting strife succeed. The “Gospel of Being Nice” is the one common factor in every conflicted church I have known. Holding people accountable without prejudice, and with forgiveness, and doing it consistently, sure does help lift the burdensome load from a leader’s shoulders and frees up lots of time for the primary tasks.
Steve, excellent practices. Thanks for sharing them.